Monday, July 5, 2010

W.W.W.D. What Would Widgets Do?

Oil spills – yuck. Its one of many, many problems I hear about each day in the news. I normally turn off CNN when they start their reporting. It is getting so bad a guy can’t enjoy the Sunday paper without seeing headlines on coal mines, the economy, the Middle East or, pollution. I just want to read the Sunday comics. There are allot of problems we face, and it is hard to see how most of them are connected; and how they could all be solved together. That’s right America, together. Here is my solution: the Widget.


What are Widgets, you say? Widgets produce cheap, clean, abundant, green electricity. A Widget costs five million dollars, is about the size of a gas station and runs on water. I am going to build one next year - just so I can go back to reading the Sunday comics in peace. I plan to make a fortune selling and servicing my Widgets. I am going to build a big factory in your town and hire all you unemployed workers out there, to make my Widgets. We’ll put Widgets in every city in America. Those big coal fire plants in Texas - shut them down, we got my Widgets. We’ll put a big Widget in New York City, right next to the Brooklyn Bridge. We’ll put a Widget at the foot of the Space Needle in Seattle. We’ll even put a Widget inside the superdome in New Orleans. Yes, my Widgets are going to sell.

Now, I know what your thinking… won’t that put people out of work? No fear, I will hire all you people to operate my Widgets. Work for an oil company? Come work on our Widgets. Widgets will single handedly end coal mine accidents. No need for coal - we have my Widgets. Three Mile Islands will be a thing of the past, now that there are Widgets. Widgets can make so much electricity, that electricity will be as cheap as dirt. Pretty soon everything will run on electricity: stoves, grills, snowmobiles and, cars. I mean, if a gallon of electricity is 8 cents, who would want to use gas?

Imagine a fleet of electric cars running on Widget power. We could put Exxon out of business. Of course, I will hire them all for Widget work. We will definitely still need oil for lots of other things, but I’ll bet the Sunday comics, we will need a lot less of it. Think of it. No more oil spills. No more drilling in Alaska. No more strip mining in Alberta. No more drilling in Kazakhstan. Also, if we stop having to buy oil then we will stop sending money to mean people in the Middle East. A dictator cannot hurt his people, with no money to spend.

I bet my Widgets could stabilize the region. Not only that, I bet my Widgets could make clean water. That’s right America: clean water. A Widget can make lots of energy and, hooked up to a desalination plant, can churn out cheap, clean water. We will put desalination plants across the Islamic countries. We will pump clean, cheap water into Cairo, Mexico City and, Tel Aviv. Widgets will solve California water problem, end the shortages in Phoenix and, stop the draining of the Colorado River.

While we on it, I will license my Widgets across Africa. The UN will install small Widgets in African villages across the continent. Widget electricity will raise the standard of living. It will give many people something better to do, rather then fight each other. I bet you Africans will stop cutting down so many trees for fuel too. When you can create cheap, clean, abundant energy, you can power all kinds of changes.

All of these changes will make America the wealthiest, cleanest and most respected nation on Earth, end global warming and solve the energy crisis. Widgets can do it! So my friends - look for my Widgets next year. I am going to get right on that and, maybe some of you will join me. Then, hopefully, we can all get back to enjoying the Sunday newspaper in peace.